Reflections

Now that my friend has left I've had a whole heck of a lot of time to reflect and quite frankly I'm not sure that I've enjoyed it so much. There are a lot of things that God is teaching me and probably has tried to teach me for a long time but I've been able to ignore them. It's just one of those times that He's saying, "yup, you can't ignore this anymore!" And well, let's just say my heart is breaking into pieces, but with a broken and contrite heart I come before the Father because that is what He wants. So I've been reflecting a lot on why this past week has been so difficult for me. And this is what God brought me to. The friend that came well she's basically amazing and it's because of Christ in her. I miss the easiness of that relationship. The girls I meet on campus, well they are awesome too, but there is so much more effort I have to put into building the relationship. They have so many walls that I don't know how to tear down and it is stretching me beyond belief so much so that I can feel the pulling. It's a good pulling, but nonetheless it hurts and I don't want to have to go through it. I know that's why I've ignored Him, that's the only reason I ever ignore Him because I don't want to have to go through it, I don't want to have to hurt, I'm a selfish being and it's ridiculous. Who am I that I can think even for a short moment that I deserve anything, that I deserve for things to never hurt? WHO AM I? I am no one, I am but a breath that can be taken away at any moment. But yet, He looks at me and loves me and He calls me His daughter anyway! And through all of this, He sat there and told me, "You know the next two years, you aren't going to have easy relationships. It is going to be hard and you are going to have to put more effort into them. But I'm doing this because you lack in complete reliance on Me. For so many years I've provided relationships that you can turn to when you need. Now I want you for Myself. I want you to completely rely on Me for everything. I'm stripping you of you and I know it hurts, but trust Me. Trust Me, I will hold you through it." So yea, it hurts and I'm not enjoying being stripped of myself but He is good! And even though I have to go through this I will still sit here and praise Him. I will still come before Him in awe and wonderment and I will still walk in His ways, in complete obedience to Him!